The effort of Thanksgiving gave me horrible horrible cankles for about 4 days. Not just swollen feet and ankles, but post-flight-esque swelling. The last flight I took was almost 2 months ago (a long time for me given my frequent flier status this year) and my feet were swollen up like the future people in Wall-e. This is what I got over the holiday. Even with the massive "go sit" help of Mark and my mother-in-law (seriously, our kitchen would still be covered in dirty dishes if it wasn't for them. I'd have sooner moved than stand in the kitchen any longer). It was probably the length of time on my feet, compounded by our beautiful-but-unforgiving terracotta kitchen floor.
Also I was enjoying cooking up a storm so much that I lost complete track of time and should've taken more breaks. I loved doing the turkey in a cider brine, making the artichoke hearts that only I like, and having to play with last minute crust options for pumpkin pie (which I couldn't go without...pregnancy card pulled) because I waited until Wed afternoon to try to find a frozen pie crust (surprise! they're gone!). I find cooking really relaxing. I nice way to create without having to compromise. No matter how things are "normally" done - you can't argue with deliciousness. It's universal, no matter what your taste preferences. Lately I've been so drained & stressed by the time I get home I can barely heat up Trader Joe's frozen burritos. Needless to say, it was nice to strap on the apron.
I've been really trying to stay calm too. It's harder and harder as things heat up at work. My hair is falling out by the handful, and my appetite is so weak I can't even finish my frozen burrito most nights. My Aunt gave me a meditation CD that I need to give adequate attention to. I think if I can provide more than a passing nod to the practice, it will help me manage things immensely.
This week has been exceptionally tough. With my Pediatric Cardiologist appointment looming on Friday, I'm beyond stressed. At work I even had to admit to my super-sympathetic and amazing boss that I need help. I hate asking for help, usually I can just stay late and power through. But I've never had to deal with a stress like this before, and my usual "don't deal/just work harder" approach is not working. Usually I'll find peace through distraction, but this stress is on my mind all day and night. I've had more running-and-can't-go-faster and falling-elevator dreams than I care to admit. Now that work is at a pace where it should be distracting enough, it's just piling on. My eye is twitching, and my shoulders ache - sure signs of extreme tension for me.
The looming appointment has really thrown me for a loop. As of yesterday, I'm at 26 weeks. The doctors have been saying 27-28 weeks is a safe time to deliver early if we have to. I'm assuming on Friday I'll get a more firm time frame. It could be 2 weeks, it could be 6 weeks...I'm in a panic about it. I'm feeling more unprepared than I would if I normally was going through this. No shower, no baby stuff in the house, I've only read 1 chapter of the baby book I have (I've barely gotten through What to Expect When You're Expecting!!) - you could drop me in the middle of a deserted island and I'd feel more comfortable.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Week 25 & Thanksgiving Recap
Week 25 and Baby Z is still holding her own. Thanksgiving was a welcome distraction, although a little emotional for a variety of reasons. But I kept busy and only had to hide out to lose it once or twice. I kept getting overwhelmed at the thought that my girl may never see a holiday, may never get to cook a turkey for her family. It just gets a little upsetting, to say the least.
That, and there seems to be an overall effort to ignore the situation at hand and just focus on the possible positive outcome. Not that I mind that, but I feel like it leaves me to bear the brunt of this alone (hence the hiding away to get upset). Plus it bothers me to feel like I'm the only one still living in fear of the "other" possible outcomes. The not so happy/shiny ones. I can't help but be painfully aware that the next year - hell, the next couple of weeks - could be life changing in the worst ways. Or the best ways. Clearly I'm having a little trouble with my rose-colored glasses.
This Friday, we have another Pediatric Cardiologist appointment. I'm extremely nervous about it. I'm assuming we'll get some next steps this time, since we'll be half-way through week 26 at this meeting. All along, the PCs have been throwing week 27/28 around as the safe zone to deliver if needed. The doctor at Columbia even said "it would be GREAT if we could make it to week 30" (PS - that's the last week of Dec). Baby has been doing well, no signs of heart failure thus far. Now I start to get nervous. When do we deliver a baby with heart defects VS waiting for her to show signs of deteriorating health and therefore deliver a sick baby? Premature birth is risky, but is it riskier than waiting it out and developing issues in the third trimester? Mostly, I'm nervous that we won't get next steps and be left in limbo. I'm not about to let that happen though.
This week won't be pretty - I'm already in a terrible mood. I'm alternating between nervous to irritated to nauseous to sorrow to sorry for myself to fear. Luckily I have my weekly ultrasound today to see progress. I think seeing her and (hopefully) hearing she's doing OK will help carry me through to Friday.
That, and there seems to be an overall effort to ignore the situation at hand and just focus on the possible positive outcome. Not that I mind that, but I feel like it leaves me to bear the brunt of this alone (hence the hiding away to get upset). Plus it bothers me to feel like I'm the only one still living in fear of the "other" possible outcomes. The not so happy/shiny ones. I can't help but be painfully aware that the next year - hell, the next couple of weeks - could be life changing in the worst ways. Or the best ways. Clearly I'm having a little trouble with my rose-colored glasses.
This Friday, we have another Pediatric Cardiologist appointment. I'm extremely nervous about it. I'm assuming we'll get some next steps this time, since we'll be half-way through week 26 at this meeting. All along, the PCs have been throwing week 27/28 around as the safe zone to deliver if needed. The doctor at Columbia even said "it would be GREAT if we could make it to week 30" (PS - that's the last week of Dec). Baby has been doing well, no signs of heart failure thus far. Now I start to get nervous. When do we deliver a baby with heart defects VS waiting for her to show signs of deteriorating health and therefore deliver a sick baby? Premature birth is risky, but is it riskier than waiting it out and developing issues in the third trimester? Mostly, I'm nervous that we won't get next steps and be left in limbo. I'm not about to let that happen though.
This week won't be pretty - I'm already in a terrible mood. I'm alternating between nervous to irritated to nauseous to sorrow to sorry for myself to fear. Luckily I have my weekly ultrasound today to see progress. I think seeing her and (hopefully) hearing she's doing OK will help carry me through to Friday.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Week 23 & 24: Rollercoaster
It's been an emotional couple of weeks. Between the baby issue, the hole in our kitchen, and busy work schedules, we're running low on steam.
Week 22 was crazy - I had 3 appointments, culminating in a trip to the Pediatric Cardiologists. He's the toughest, because his job is to remain sober about the whole thing. While my other doctors fill me with hope, he has to give me the reality. The reality is, she still is holding on, but so much is unknown. It looked like she had a little fluid around her heart, and from some angles, the heart looked enlarged. It wasn't devastating news, but it definitely was a blow to my hope reserves.
I did learn a big lesson though - no more going to Pediatric Cardiologist appointments on my own. I guess I've just gotten used to going alone with no issues. But it's always so overwhelming when I talk to the PC. It's like speaking another language, while fighting back tears - making concentration a little more than difficult. It's no picnic for Mark either. As soon as he knows I'm in with the doctor, his concentration goes out the window. And it's just torture for him to not be there an hear this first hand. Plus, he misses a chance to see the baby. I get to spend some precious time seeing her bounce around on screen every week, but he doesn't. I wish I could record everyone to show him. I don't think it's worth the emotional cost to either of us for me to go alone. I can't imagine how much harder I unintentionally make it on him when he has to arrive home to a red-faced, disheveled wife.
Week 23 was full of hope because it was time to track growth. It was great news so far. She's almost a little ahead of schedule, weighing in at a whopping 1 lb 9 oz. It means her defect isn't effecting her growth, which is huge! Brain and body was measuring really well!
This week - now week 24 - has been interesting. I've been a wreck emotionally, maybe because the holidays are coming. I could barely make it through one of my all-time favorite movies - Annie - because I kept thinking about how I may never get to show it to her.
My last ultrasound/fetal echo/doppler appointment was interesting though. The office is trying out a new ultrasound machine since their leases are up. Our complicated case is perfect to really put a new piece of technology through it's paces. The team used a mix of 3D and 2D ultrasounds to see a lot more than they've been able to see before. I think they have some answers to long-standing questions about how this little girl is still going strong. It was amazing to see some of the models they were able to create to get an accurate picture of how her venous system is connecting and working. It was an excruciatingly long scan - 1 hour, 45 minutes to be exact. For a preggo lady, that's a LONG time to be flat on your back. I didn't dare complain, just shifted a little when I felt like I was going to pass out. They seemed to be getting a lot of info, so I didn't want them to stop work!
Plus, the techs had enough of a challenge trying to chase my little one around. I still believe it's a great sign that she's SO active. So active that she extends the length of every appointment because she won't sit still. My OB said movement is good news. During this marathon ultrasound, baby showed her stubborn side big time. At one point, the tech was pushing down rather hard for an extended period of time. Baby Z wasn't comfortable, and let it be known. She gave a couple of hard kicks right to the scanner. On the last one, the tech said "woah - I felt that one!" I haven't felt her kick that high up yet! If there was any doubt that this little lady had a fighting spirit, it should kicked to the curb.
The best part of the appointment was the end. They took a couple extra minutes to reward me for my aching back by getting a 3D picture of our little one's face! I couldn't believe it when she came into view! The printout isn't as impressive as it was on screen, but totally worth it to get a sneak peek at her little face. Now we soldier on for another week, hoping for more baby portraits to come!
Week 22 was crazy - I had 3 appointments, culminating in a trip to the Pediatric Cardiologists. He's the toughest, because his job is to remain sober about the whole thing. While my other doctors fill me with hope, he has to give me the reality. The reality is, she still is holding on, but so much is unknown. It looked like she had a little fluid around her heart, and from some angles, the heart looked enlarged. It wasn't devastating news, but it definitely was a blow to my hope reserves.
I did learn a big lesson though - no more going to Pediatric Cardiologist appointments on my own. I guess I've just gotten used to going alone with no issues. But it's always so overwhelming when I talk to the PC. It's like speaking another language, while fighting back tears - making concentration a little more than difficult. It's no picnic for Mark either. As soon as he knows I'm in with the doctor, his concentration goes out the window. And it's just torture for him to not be there an hear this first hand. Plus, he misses a chance to see the baby. I get to spend some precious time seeing her bounce around on screen every week, but he doesn't. I wish I could record everyone to show him. I don't think it's worth the emotional cost to either of us for me to go alone. I can't imagine how much harder I unintentionally make it on him when he has to arrive home to a red-faced, disheveled wife.
Week 23 was full of hope because it was time to track growth. It was great news so far. She's almost a little ahead of schedule, weighing in at a whopping 1 lb 9 oz. It means her defect isn't effecting her growth, which is huge! Brain and body was measuring really well!
This week - now week 24 - has been interesting. I've been a wreck emotionally, maybe because the holidays are coming. I could barely make it through one of my all-time favorite movies - Annie - because I kept thinking about how I may never get to show it to her.
My last ultrasound/fetal echo/doppler appointment was interesting though. The office is trying out a new ultrasound machine since their leases are up. Our complicated case is perfect to really put a new piece of technology through it's paces. The team used a mix of 3D and 2D ultrasounds to see a lot more than they've been able to see before. I think they have some answers to long-standing questions about how this little girl is still going strong. It was amazing to see some of the models they were able to create to get an accurate picture of how her venous system is connecting and working. It was an excruciatingly long scan - 1 hour, 45 minutes to be exact. For a preggo lady, that's a LONG time to be flat on your back. I didn't dare complain, just shifted a little when I felt like I was going to pass out. They seemed to be getting a lot of info, so I didn't want them to stop work!
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| Coming Soon: Baby Zimmer |
The best part of the appointment was the end. They took a couple extra minutes to reward me for my aching back by getting a 3D picture of our little one's face! I couldn't believe it when she came into view! The printout isn't as impressive as it was on screen, but totally worth it to get a sneak peek at her little face. Now we soldier on for another week, hoping for more baby portraits to come!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Week 22: She's Holding Her Own
Our week 22 appointment went well - no change, no fluid in baby's abdomen or around her heart. Everything is looking as good as it can! It's a bright spot in an otherwise overwhelming week.
Two more appointments left in this week. One with my OB - who I love and will probably cry when I see her. We've spoken since the diagnosis, but she's been with me through so many rough spots health-wise. I'm disappointed that we won't be able to deliver with her, but I know it's 100% for the best.
On Friday I meet with a Pediatric Cardiologist again. I have to make up a list of questions for him so I'm very clear on the plan moving forward. I need to know when I should meet with the doctors who will deliver me at Columbia, and when I should go back to see the Pediatric Cardiologists there again. So far I'm super confident in the care I'm getting. But it's a little tough getting bits and pieces of the plan so far.
In other news, our tree-beaten house is on the road to recovery. We got the tree down, tarps up, and giant dehumidifiers running day and night. We were able to move out of the hotel finally. It was only a 3 day stay, but it felt like forever! Sophie got used to the luxe surroundings, and was sad to leave...
Now we're home and getting somewhat back to normal. It's rough having a long road of repairs ahead of us. Seeing the kitchen after the water remediation guys did their thing was a little shocking. All the wet dry-wall and insulation was torn down. Not the best sight to come home to, but it is a start. The insurance folks are coming this weekend, and then we can start fixing everything up!
I've been getting a little overwhelmed by it all though. Still trying to stay positive, I try to imagine this whole tree incident is a Karmic bank deposit in favor of having a healthy baby. It helps a little. But I'm still working hard to keep it together. Getting enough rest and eating well is a challenge with the stress, but it needs to be a priority for the good Baby Zimmer. Staying calm is on that list too, but I'm having a harder time with that. Luckily, a big project is starting at work, and I'm thrilled to have something else to sink my nervous energy into. Expending energy worrying and getting upset is just not how I want to spend the last few months of my pregnancy.
Two more appointments left in this week. One with my OB - who I love and will probably cry when I see her. We've spoken since the diagnosis, but she's been with me through so many rough spots health-wise. I'm disappointed that we won't be able to deliver with her, but I know it's 100% for the best.
On Friday I meet with a Pediatric Cardiologist again. I have to make up a list of questions for him so I'm very clear on the plan moving forward. I need to know when I should meet with the doctors who will deliver me at Columbia, and when I should go back to see the Pediatric Cardiologists there again. So far I'm super confident in the care I'm getting. But it's a little tough getting bits and pieces of the plan so far.
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| Where are you going to sleep? |
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| It's never just a little nick... |
Now we're home and getting somewhat back to normal. It's rough having a long road of repairs ahead of us. Seeing the kitchen after the water remediation guys did their thing was a little shocking. All the wet dry-wall and insulation was torn down. Not the best sight to come home to, but it is a start. The insurance folks are coming this weekend, and then we can start fixing everything up!
I've been getting a little overwhelmed by it all though. Still trying to stay positive, I try to imagine this whole tree incident is a Karmic bank deposit in favor of having a healthy baby. It helps a little. But I'm still working hard to keep it together. Getting enough rest and eating well is a challenge with the stress, but it needs to be a priority for the good Baby Zimmer. Staying calm is on that list too, but I'm having a harder time with that. Luckily, a big project is starting at work, and I'm thrilled to have something else to sink my nervous energy into. Expending energy worrying and getting upset is just not how I want to spend the last few months of my pregnancy.
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